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Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Eid Mubarak and Happy New Year!

I've never been one to make new year's resolutions. I don't see the purpose of making a list for the sake of having one, and then proceeding to break every resolution on the list.
If you want to improve yourself or make a change, just do it when you have to. Not because everyone else is doing it; or because it is tradition.

If you think deeper about it, you realize that Islam is like that too. You ever hear a kid ask you why you solat? When I was younger, I never really gave it much thought. I was taught to solat five times a day and so I did it (okay, okay I did cheat a little when I was younger but insya-Allah I've been a regular and will strive to be a regular till the day I become soil fertilizer). I'm going to stop here, simply because I'm not in the mood to share more than this today.

I had an 'interesting' past year, where a lot of things happened. They happened so fast I barely realized they were happening. Is this a testament of my confirmed 'blurriness'? At the end of the year, I realized that I had become someone I was before; that someone I no longer wanted to be. Sure, that person looked more impressive than the plain Jane I was happy to become but being that person also meant carrying a lot more weight on her shoulders.

The thing is, my shoulders are tired and weary. But I know I must not complain. For there are others who shouldered a lot more than I; others who had to persevere without even having the luxury of options.

So I don't complain. But once in a while I'd just like to say this :
I'm tired.


Posted at 09:53 am by alix
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Sunday, December 10, 2006
Love vs Marriage

I hate the feeling of falling in love.

I know that I'm not in love with him, but I could be. Except that, I don't want to be in love with him.

I'm trying to forget TOWMMHF because while my heart beats faster when he is around, I know deep down a life with him will be difficult and perhaps an emotional torment for me. And I think I've had enough of that to last me a lifetime.

Love = being with the person you cannot live without.

Marriage = being with the person you can live with.

Wouldn't it be nice if both those qualities could be combined in one person.


Posted at 12:30 pm by alix
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Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Let's Talk About Love..

Today is my last class with my beloved students. I will miss them, although I do welcome the break from classes which will allow me more time to focus on marking and all the other work that have been sitting on the back burner all these while. I visited a friend's blog and was suddenly reminded of all the things that I have been preaching the past year. Where have all those words about loving Allah gone? Why have I suddenly allowed my interest in a mere mortal eclipse my love for Allah which I had been searching for all these while?

I am only human. I have a need to love, and be loved in return. I've been spending a number of years of my life trying my best to love people around me, be they friends or foe. And my biggest wonder now is why I have yet to be loved by just one person in the same way that I give love. Maybe it's because I expect too much, when in truth love means giving up your expectations and accepting that person for who he is.

<Passages removed by author>


Posted at 01:02 pm by alix
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Friday, November 10, 2006
A Mixed Bag of Feelings

Today has been a mixed bag of feelings. The first half of the day was spent in anticipation of the meeting with TOWMMHF, only to find that he was late. Sigh.... at the beginning I sensed some interest from him but lately I think he has respected my wish to be reserved with him.

Blame me? I grew up attending an all-girls' school.. Until today I cannot bring myself to show someone I like him.. not even the-one-who-broke-my-heart. I know my eyes will betray me and my cover will be blown. I'll get over him, I know I will.

I'm still at the office now.. listening to Kris Dayanti and Melly belt out this fantastic tune.. Cinta...but right now it's almost iftar time and the lights will be turned off soon.

Gotta go.. later..


Posted at 06:19 pm by alix
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Thursday, November 09, 2006
It's gonna be a dreary, lousy day

Today has been a really lousy day. I found out that I have to be the chief invigilator for not just one, but TWO final exam sessions at the Main Hall! I was really upset when I found out but it could not be helped. I am still annoyed but seeing that there is not much that I can do about it, I might as well accept it and move on with life... (amboi dramaticnya!)

Nothing is going right today. Pursuant to what Prof said regarding the speakers' accommodation, I emailed bro dearest to vent and used the word 'screw-up'. And guess what? Bro dearest forwarded that email to Prof! Haiya! Trust my own brother to ruin my squeaky-clean image. It's bad enough that I rarely swear (if any la) and now he has made me sound like a whiny whiner..I could cheerfully strangle him now...

Did I mention that I am continuously swamped with work since I got back? I haven't had a decent rest since I got back and truth be said, I am getting a little tired. Okay, little is an understatement..  VERRRRY is more like it.

What's next on my plate? My colleagues and I submitted a paper to a conference and now I have to prepare some slides for the panel of internal reviewers and I am so scared that I'll just make a big mess of things. The truth is, I don't feel comfortable presenting this paper because it was nto my special area of interest. But for the sake of getting a paper presentation down in my appraisal, I need to do it.

Anyways, the reason why I have this blog now is so that I resume writing again. I noticed that my writing (and speaking) skills have deteriorated in the past 11 months that I've been back. I need to sharpen my mind and start the writing juices flowing again.

Over and out...


Posted at 01:43 pm by alix
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Wednesday, November 08, 2006
The Heart Flutters at the Prospect of Us Meeting..

In the last few hours, I've gone from slightly nervous to slightly besotted to slightly dizzy. Let's see what I've been up to:

1230 : Meeting with committee headed by the-one-who-makes-my-heart-flutters.

1500 : Attended the kids' drama competition where TOWMMHF was one of the judges. Spent the entire time ignoring him while sitting one row in front of him.

1630 : Went back to office after competition results were announced. Migraine becoming worse. Pain was temporarily suppressed at the sight of TOWMMHF.

I've been thinking about him a lot lately. Actually the truth is, I have been thinking a lot about him since the day I met him. Something about him.. I cannot explain it but he makes my heart flutter. Oh my gosh! I am too old to be gushing about a guy like a 16-year old.

But many a time, he makes me feel that way. The problem is, I don't know how he feels about me. I really need to have my head examined for getting all gushy like this. Next week, I want to invite him over to my house when I have the gathering and I hope things will be better from then onwards.


Posted at 04:37 pm by alix
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Monday, November 06, 2006
The Rain put me in this Dreary Mood

It's one of those days where the sky is overcast with dark clouds and the rain pours like a war vet widow. Ugh... that was bad...

But you get what I mean right. The whole world is a total disaster. Nothing looks promising today.

I've had a lousy one year. I don't even know myself anymore now. I've become the person I was running away when I moved out here and took up this job. In the past 10 months, I've lost my temper, spoke ill of people (who deserved it but that's not the point), and some other bad stuff which I cannot remember but overall I've not been nice all the time.

More importantly, I've done something which I think I should not have done. But I just could not find it in my heart to go ahead with it. Was I wrong? Did I do the right or wrong thing? Am I doomed to suffer the fate of loneliness for my actions?

I am such a mess at the moment. I wish I could turn back the clock and re-set everything. But how I respond to a guy whose introduction to a marriage proposal was " My mother asked me to call you" ?

Tell me there is a silver lining at the end of this cloud. I'm tired of living with a broken heart.


Posted at 05:57 pm by alix
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Tuesday, September 26, 2006
From Horrible to Good to Dilemmas

Last week was an absolute nightmare for me. More than once. I lost my composure and snapped at my students; and some of the GAs. I felt that people were taking advantage of my 'niceness' and I was really upset about it.
The worst thing was, I don't feel guilty about it. Whilst it's true that I do feel bad for having shown my displeasure, I also know that they deserved the rebukes so I am not going to let my 'nice' conscience trick me into taking the blame for it.

Yesterday I had a student who was my advisee come into the office to have a chat with me. I call my advisees my 'kids' but this 'kid' was not actually mine in the first place. Since one of my colleagues had left to his PhD, I was asigned to take over his previous 'kids'.

This boy, Don, and his friend Eddy really cheered me up. First Don told me how happy he was that I am now his advisor as he had heard a lot of good things about me. He then confessed that both he and Eddy had gone as far to attend one of my classes just to check if the rumors about me were true. Apparently some of the students were saying that I'm nice, and that my classes are interesting to attend, and word has it that some of the students come to class because of me.

I don't know how far those rumors are true but as far I am concerned I have always tried to give my students my very best. It is my hope that they will benefit from attending my class and more importantly I hope that they have learnt something from the classes.

Okay, this is not a trumpet-blowing session; but with all the things going on these past few  weeks I could do with a little cheering up.

********************************************************************************************

I'm in a huge dilemma : I want to do my PhD but at the moment I feel so inadequate. Since I did not do a research project for my Masters I feel really incompetent and I do not think I will be able to handle the work. But I do want to get stuck doing research as soon as possible; while I'm still relatively young and not to mention single.

Will mull over this.


Posted at 12:35 pm by alix
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Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Gotta be Cruel in Order to be Kind

I treasure any quiet moment that I could spend thinking about life. I haven't had that luxury in a long time, though.

I realized that the busier I am, the lesser my ability to be put up with 'nonsense' from my students. Much as I love them, there are times when I have to put my foot down and tell them off. It is a painful process for both me and them but it must be done. I don't do it because it's fun, I do it because it is the right thing to do.

But the problem is that I always feel bad when I look at their faces while they are listening to my 'lecture' and then I dwell upon it. I know this causes me unnecessary stress (which my doctor says I need to avoid) but I cannot help thinking about their feelings. I know how unpleasant it is to be at the receiving end but sometimes you have to be cruel in order to be kind. I know this is the principle my brother adheres to when he metes out punishment to me when I was a kid. Guess that strict upbringing stayed with me all the while.

*****************************************************************************************

On a happy note, I spent time with Abang and Adik last weekend. Although it was just a short visit, I was happy to see them. God, I love them so much! I wished their father (my brother) had more time off so he could bring them down for a visit more often. Perhaps they could spend another week with us the next school holidays.


Posted at 02:26 pm by alix
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Wednesday, September 06, 2006
The Curse of the Drive Kidnapper

I lost my flash drive yesterday. I am not too concerned about losing the item itself, but I am quite concerned about the data items on it.

I cannot remember if I had put the exam question on the drive. I think I didn't, but I cannot be absolutely certain of it.

I'll just have to pray that it did not fall into the wrong hands.

*********************************************************************************************************

I desperately need to get an academic paper published, and right now my one and only chance lies with a colleague whose paper I am currently reviewing and editing. But I realize that I need to add on to the paper as well so that I can feel the inclusion of my name is perfectly justified. I must do this in order to be fair to him, and essentially myself.

*********************************************************************************************************

I really need a break, time off and away from the office.

Update : A good soul found my flash drive and returned it to me..Alhamdulillah. Yaay! Luckily no final exam question inside.. :-)


Posted at 03:59 pm by alix
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